i should make a short post. i warn you- it's 1:30 AM, i'm cold and i'm listening to bright eyes. this isn't going to be a happy post.
i'm getting nowhere fast with NaNoWriMo. Mostly my own fault. The story is coming to me and I should be writing it down but i'm procrastinating...by baking or cooking. or doing whatever else. and more recently, i've been telling myself that maybe i should just give this up- there are other things i should be doing/could be doing and that i don't have to completely give it up- just quit trying to get to 50,000 words by the end of the month. i can't tell if it's me trying to give myself an out or if it's me just plain giving up.
i'm still stuck at a plateau weight-wise. i do feel stronger from my morning routine though and that's nice i guess. but it's really bringing me down a little- the whole not losing weight thing. and it's so hard for me to imagine an end in sight. most people have a goal weight of when they remembered they were at their best. they have a visual of their target. i can't remember a time in my life that i think i look good. the "i think" is present tense because maybe at the time i didn't really think about how i looked or my weight didn't affect me as much. i'm looking at this picture of me at a party in the 8th grade. i remember that outfit- an over-sized white short sleeve military shirt that may actually be one of my uncle's so it has my last name on it, a white tank top underneath that and olive colored baggy cargo pants. everyone else is wearing jeans. i'm looking like a bum. i had acne too. gosh. what an awkward time. but i don't remember feeling as bad about myself as i do now. ignorance is bliss?
today i was admiring how cute and "mochi-mochi" one of my students is. (mochi-mochi is something like....chubby and squishy) she's so cuuuuuuute. she has this big belly and puffy cheeks and squeezable arms. i just want to roll her or something. i was thinking...if i ever have a baby girl, i'd want a baby like her- all rolypoly and mochi-mochi. but then i thought no, i wouldn't want her to be like that because she might stay like that as she grew up and have to go through what i went through/go through. that's so sad! i shouldn't think like that.
anyway, whine whine whine...bottom line is that i'm not trying hard enough. that's all.
my JLPT is sneaking up on me soon. and i have the nagianta competition this saturday. and next sunday is my boss' wedding which i still need an outfit for (i found a dress i really liked online but the shipping makes it prohibitively expensive and now i have to actually shop and i'm afraid of that- see above issues) and i still have to finish taping the video that i need to edit that has to be played at the wedding. whew. i was also hoping to make a little thanksgiving dinner for just me and ryan or maybe a few people we know. but i think that's probably a no-go since i don't know if i really want to put all that work into it. i have to realize that sometimes i can't have it all.
Gosh, what is this? Livejournal circa 1999?
I'm going to bed. this is just pathetic. i'll feel better in the morning.
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